My mother owns the world most incredible vacuum cleaner. It is an insult to call it a vacuum cleaner it is more like a cool gadget or gizmo. It answers the name- Dyson. It is so fantastically good that it really takes in every dust flake that was hiding at the corner of the room from the dawn of time. It even looks like a very neat extra terrestrial. (My mom’s is purple… ) . In the toilets of a Viennese restaurant I have now found the lost brother of my mom’s vacuum cleaner- the Dyson hand drier! This apparatus looks as if it was taken directly from the star ship enterprise. It looks like metallic pita bread thingy. In order to use it, one has to put the hands inside the thing. What follows is a splendid air flow that dries the hands in less than 20 seconds. The feeling while it blows is sensational, and when it finishes your hands feel like some kind of luxurious hand moisturizer cream was put on it. Wow indeed!
I think this was the highlight of the last weeks I spent in Vienna. And I do not mean that cynically. Just to show you how good this Dyson really was I did sneak in to see a Vienna Philharmonic concert that was very good. (My first intention was just to see the Musikverein, but while standing there I realized a concert is about to begin, so why not stay and listen. ), and I saw a great opera production and visited very nice exhibitions, but still the Dyson was the most overwhelming experience.
I wonder if I can get a domestic version. Long live the dyson!
Funtobe is spending a few days in Vienna. Things are different here, naturally from Israel but also very different from Germany. It is strikingly hot the last few days so weather wise it very much like Israel, (minus the very disturbing European lack of air conditioning).
The other day we went to a so called “healthy-new age” restaurant. The menu should have rang all the alarms for us too just leave. But it was a hot day, and we were with a lot of thing with us. At the beginning we were still in denial, maybe because it wasn’t cheep we were trying to convince our self that it is good food. But when the 2 years old baby that was with us was trying the chicken coated with polenta, his reaction left now place for any further self delusion. He simply said- FUYA. That is the Israeli baby talk for disgusting. At that moment we ordered the bill. Next time we stick to good old fashion schnitzel…
The maintenance of this website is to funtobe like going to a shrink. It is, or I should say was- like toxic removal. You get all the shit out of your body and send it upon the world wide web for others to wash in it. It is also significantly cheaper than seeing a shrink. It is only extremely time consuming. Lately as you noticed I was silent as a monastery monk. There for all the shit stayed in to the point my buildings pluming was overloaded and everything came up to the surface in a stinking wave of foul water. Unfortunately I do not mean the last metaphorically- last week the entrance to my building was all cover with drain water higher than flip-flops height. The week before some very generous person decided to share his shit with the rest of my building but unlike myself – doing it very neatly on the web- he was taking an actual shit right in the middle of the joint corridor between the apartments. Since this lovely building doesn’t have a light in the corridor, I was wondering who was the first neighbor to hit this pile of shit, probably first thing in the morning…
I guess that the point of this blog entry is that I need to write more in order for the shit to come out neatly and in a civilized manner. Otherwise it will be very unpleasant being around me. Because it is pleasant being around me anyway…
i can’t say that funtobe was so busy that he didn’t have time to write even once this last month, but know he is back and unhappy and frustrated as ever!!
funtobe is back in cologne for a few days, and of course it rains non-stop since he got here. the germans call this summer but in Israel it will be considered as winter.
the other day funtobe was sitting in a cologne restaurant with some friends ( because he has So many friends) and had an interesting philosophical discussion. the main theme was if we believe in the goodness of mankind or not- believe it or not but funtobe was actually saying he does believe in mankind. the minutes these words came out of his mouth the following happens- a police car came like a thunder from nowhere went on the pavement and hit the wall in-front of us. very unfortunately 2 innocent by-passers where standing on the pavement at the moment the police car lost control and one of them got hit directly and got smashed between the car and the wall. it was really like watching a Hollywood film ( maybe something like L.A crash only cologne stile). the car hit the wall so hard that also the policemen where hurt. by the angle of the wheels one could see that the police car was going so fast. the wheels where still strait which means the driver didn’t have time to try and avoid the wall and the people that stood there.
the 23 years old guy that got seriously hit is still in critical condition. from what i sew i don’t know if he really wants to wake up. so quick and cheep life in 21st century is.
the relative silence of the funtobe has come to its end. so did the crazy south-central america tour. 30 flights in 30 days is more than what i would wish for my enemies. the stop after Lima was Chile. santiago is really reminded me of Hamburg- clean, organized and kind of boring. the concert was played in a University owned by Opus Dei. i can tell you i have never seen a place so reach in my life. it makes Harvard look like a poor place. after Chile we went to costa rica. by far the greenest place i have ever seen. it was striking how come in such a naturally beautiful place they have managed to build the ugliest city ever- Sun Juse. the only attraction in the city was that we got to see a house in the middle of town on fire. it is kind of scary and cool at the same time to stand so close to sirius fire. it took the police at least 45 min before they got everybody out of the scene. i guess the police in costa rica is not that good since the country has no army! ( what a lovely concept for an Israeli…)
the day after the fire i went to see a different kind of fire- an active volcano. this was scary and cool in a somewhat different way than the city fire. standing so close to the tip of a smoking volcano doesn’t sound like a very funtobe thing, but it was worth every second of fear, and the 7 bucks…
the last stop was panama city. if costa rica was about fire than panama city was about water. the panama canal made me understand the power of water. in 8 minutes- a huge cargo ship was lifted with no effort at all, and no electricity or power used whatsoever. just water flowing. simple equilibrium.
well- that is it from south america. because it was fun…
FTB has a wonderful career in lima. in the last 2 weeks we played here for almost 2,000 people. not bad for a silly funtobe.
the funniest unfunny episode happened yesterday. my colleges and i took a taxi to the place where we hall where the concert took. since we are with a cello, ( a horrific instrument with a terrible tendency to take too much space), the violinist of the group did the obvious thing and put the violin at the trunk of the car. the problem was that the opening mechanism of the trunk was a peruvian state of the art high-tech invention in the from of a silly rope. when the idiot driver tried to open the trunk the rope broke. ( puta de madre was his reaction…). the violin ( that worth at least 3 times the car worth ) was looked inside the trunk. the good thing about Peruvian that they are very eager to help. in no time al the people standing around started to take the taxi apart. that was easy enough. opening the trunk definitely wasn’t. our violinist was about to explode and take behead the taxi driver. he asked the security guard standing beside to shoot the look of the trunk. ( the guard refused politely ).
in the end someone brought a long hook and managed to fiddle around with the lock. the violin was saved- the taxi however looked as if it belongs to the dumpster.
a day in mexico city is really not enough for anything. for sure not when one has to play a concert on that day. never the less FTB was trying to get the most out of it. apparently i was fortunate enough to see the city in its empties condition.( they have a long vacation bridge weekend between may 1st and the national day 5 de Mayo.), well, if this is how it is when it is empty i really don’t want to know how is it on a normal day. what a crowded place. when you fly in you realize why it is considered the world biggest. it takes so long to fly over the city that just the thought of doing the same by car is scary. no body really know how many people are in Mexico city but it is something between 20-25 million, at least half of the 25 million like to sell 1 dollar junk on the street. and half of the half do it with a very loud megaphone. from my short encounters with the mexicans it seems they are much less nice and pleasant than other latin american nations. service or just common courtesy is not included in the general behavior. the ultimate highlight of the whole thing was by far the guacamole- this was a sirius OMG. i really don’t know how can i leave on knowing that i have left behind the world most amazing guacamole…
after bolivia, colombia seems almost like western europe. the high light of the traveling was lending in La Paz. since it is the highest airport in the world ( more than 4000 meters), one doesn’t really lend there, it is more like the mountains are coming towards the airplane. to avoid the disturbing feeling caused by the high altitude funtobe was chewing coca leafs like some old bolivian farmer. i like the taste allot, it is like improved nicotine.
bogota is also quite high up (2,600), so playing a concert here is going to be a glorious athletic achievement.
our group was suffering a few painful losses, and after 2 weeks of touring our trip seems more like a survey of south american hospitals. ( surprisingly good till now…). our first violinist broke his leg while trying an omega in a beautiful park out side of Santa Cruz. changing 3 planes a day with a broken leg is not much fun. ( because it is fun to brake your leg when all you want is to explore the surroundings). our second violinist is suffering a horrible tooth ache. so bad that she needs an operation. in one word- funch!
other than that everything is fine. funtobe always had a soft spot for balconies, and I’m proud to say i have in my hotel room the best balcony ever. one side looks into the andes and the other into downtown bogota. and right in-front of me is simon bolivar bedroom… feechs…
believe it or not but funtobe is in bolivia. this is the real 3rd world country on our tour. apparently the world biggest baroque festival is taking place here ( at least that is what they claim). we arrived in Santa Cruz in an airport taken from poland in 1960. we were put in a 5 star hotel, unfortunately the stars were bolivian stars. the weather kind of reminds the most horrible summer days in Tel Aviv or NYC- as humid as it can possibly be-100%. it sounds as if I’m complaining but really it is an amazing place. our first concert was in a mission village 300 kilometer’s away from santa cruz. the driving there was on a “pot way”, or in other words there where more potholes than road. imagine 7 hours of trembling in a non air-conditioned “bus” thru a Bolivian forest. the funniest part is a bridge crossing a big river. the bridge can cary only one side of the traffic so if you are not lucky you can wait for your sides turn for more than an hour. near the waiting line a village of poor people selling stuff emerged- i think that is the first time i have seen real poverty. in the village were the concert took place there are no roads or pavements or lights at night. truly the end of the world. the concerts are intended for the indian local population so there is no admission. and i tell you the church ( a beautiful building ), was completely full. the indians are really interesting looking, the gave the exact same beautiful red color of the ground. and by far the smallest people i have seen. they kept the baroque music traditions from the time of the spaniards ( the baroque time ) until this very day. so they are really in touch with classical music. funtobe had the honor of teaching one of the local kids a cello lesson. the amazing thing was that the initiative came from the kid himself. he was a talented 15 years old indian kid who played the cello for only 3 years. man- was he eager to learn, he was really like a sponge thirsty for information. the only music teacher they have is a guitarist and he teaches everybody in the village.
the only less positive thing about this festival is the tourist from other places that are all so surprised that the indians can play classical music. quite condescending indeed. the general population of those remote areas is very interesting. except the indians you can find some weird Mennonite originating from germany. they are like the amish people only the do use electricity. the problem is that in the last 150 years they only fucked among themselves so they are completely retarded. they still speak plat deutsche that was spoken in europe 150 years ago.
tonight the concert is in santa cruz that in comparison with the village where we where is like Manhattan…
after 4 consecutive concerts in 3 different countries FTB can finely rest a bit in Lima, Peru. since it is Peach- the Rabbi of Lima invited us to a seder diner. when i heard the word rabbi i immediately thought that i should stay on guard after my last experience. and when i heard this Rabbi is a former student of the Chilean rabbi, i got even more edgy. but he turned out to be a very kind and nice family person. the weird thing however was first celebrating the seder in south america. ( half hebrew half spanish reading of the hagada). and second that the guest of honor was the israeli ambassador to chile. the ambassador is a druze from the Galilee. not being jewish what so ever, he seemed to be more zionist and more into the jewish thing than anybody else sitting at the table. he left an empty chair for the missing soldier and talked about the true freedom of the jewish people yet to be achieved. his wife was sitting the whole time looking as if years of repressing this bizarre behavior made her completely numbed and even to the situation.
the very jewish eastern european food was made by the peruvian housemaid. the combination was not the greatest i must confess. but also in normal days FTB and gefueltefish are not the best friends.